My STory...

have been listening to few songs over and over again since 10pm, and now is 12am.. my mind seem like too lazy to think..anything at all..
Why i came back here?? writing nonsense..
feel like want to write something..
feel like to note down the feeling right now..
although it is not very special feeling..

its kind of sinful feeling...
dont want the dark sky now to get bright..
want to be right here right now remembering this feeling..
it is sinful that i have this thougtht..
just hope the time can stop..even for awhile.
the past kept reflecting inside my mind..
it is not bitter..it is not sweet.. neither they are..
its just a memory that i had..
it kind of bless that i have memory..
for no reasons as well..
sometimes feel like going backward instead of forward..
the past..i know what i would have encountered..
the future.. i dontlike uncertainty..
dont you?

since small..
was living with grandparents..
their love for me is overflowing..
but i know i never turn bad..
it just make me matured earlier than any of my others fellow friends..
i told myself i would want to care for them when i am capable of..
i was only 9 when i have this thought..

after that..
lived with parents..
left grandparents..
felt sad..few times i want to go back to my childhood life so that i can stay with thm..
no miracle..
parents love for me never less though..

grandmother pass away..
i cried at once..
rush back from here..
see her in her coffin..
no last meeting on her last breath..
dint cried at all..
cried silently myself..
each time i remembered..
cant bear the pain she gone throught..
she gave up..
and i feel the pain..
overcame it..but will miss her..
left grandpa alone..
spent more time go back and see him..
granndpa loves me more than ever..
i knew that even thought he dint show it..
i love him as well..
i miss her, him.
parents are still healthy..
no much worries..
but grandpa gradually getting old..

still remember the 1st time i can ever remembered grandpa face..
he is young and his face glows..
sunshine and pretty..
but he is getting old..the black hair he once had..now have turn into white..


here i am..
missing him..

i was....is.....bored....

really bored...

i alwaz get pressured when there are people around who is not treating me nice...
nvrmind whether he or she the person who i closed with or just anybody am ever came across with..
i realy really never intend to make anyone angry or anyone to feel uncomfortable with me..
i just want to be friend..
y it is that so diffcult sometimes??
that is really annoying....

was not able to sleep..
alot in my little mind..
am i the only one who think do much
never really tell any1 about 1 thing..
miss family...
miss my sis.
miss mom..
miss dad..
miss akong..
miss ama..
hope ama is fine up there..
cannot bear anymore..
i think i have buedened some1 alot..
i dont want to be the burden..
i cannt be the burden..but ..y do i become 1?
i doesnt deserve the care..

how can i sleep?

how can i sleep?
how do i sleep?
what should i do to sleep?
what can i do to make me sleep?
what else can i ask to make me sleep?
in this time and moment..all i think is you..

im just not good enuf..

im really sorry...
i always have hurted you..
always is my own..
im too selfish..
the more i behaving that way..the more i feel that i was a failure..
im sorry..am just not good enough for you ..dont i?
punish me if u would..
am just not good enough for you..

what is in `~`~~my heart~~~~

was busy until no time for me to utter a word of complaints ..its good actually..
on the 1 side..on the other side..as i dont have to the time to even complaint about this and that i bcome more stronger than ever.
i hope i can really catch up with my own studies.
all these event are taking over my study time ..
i really dont hav much time left for my own study at all..
and also allow me to pretendly forget about what has happens previously..
of course i dint manage to wipe it out of my head..
its something like a glue..keep rounding rounding in the head..
maybe am too close with the problem oso..
anyway..
it was a bz week and i wasnt want to comment on anything..i still have test tomorrow..and i dont knw how..
oop was hard..and wth..i have no talent in coding..seriously..i m helpless..
was so so so so so so so so regrest actually..
taken this course..
but..
but...
there is a but..
i will go on guys..
even though with all the complaint and stuffs..
i will go on..
dont worry..at least i dont n never complaint on others....thank you for reading..if there is some1...
hAHA..ok..bb..

I WAS ONCE A HAPPY CHILD,,,NEVER DID I KNOW THE MEANING OF HATRED....

Here i am, starting all over again, it was so long that i havent posted anythg here.. i dont knw have all the fellow followers have been giving up on me..sorry guys..

It have been tough days....


why?what happens?

i have always tell people around me that i was alright..
just alright...never really tell out what is hidden in my heart b4..
not totally i mean..
not that i dont wana say.just i dont knw how to tell..
its not something that i can just utter out with a few sentences of words to make the situation clear..

the truth is..i grew this big..never been stabed back b4...until that day..

i heard rumours about my ownself..saying all kind of bad stuffs about myself..
i was like crying on the spot..but i dint luckily..
i thought we are best friends..even if not the best friends..we are friends..
i never even think anything bad about u..nor tht i offensed you..
it was such an unbelievable truth that i discovered..and unbearable..
the felling of being betrayed is kind of getting my heart crumbled apart..
i just want to live happily..
i was SO HEART-BROKEN MY FRIEND..
 if only i dont never treat us as a friend of mine.
i wont get hurt so much...
whatever i have thought b4 was just a passed by wind..a blow blowed evrything away..
deep beneath my heart..
i hope that all is not true..
u never said all those words..about me..
if only u tell me b4 telling other ppl..
i would be so grateful..
if only..............
then i wll always be the happy child...who never knows the meaning of hatred........stilll...
i hope times passes by faster..heal the wound in my little heart..\
never mind u hate me..
i hope you well..
i hope u happy always..
thank you for everything we had have together..
thank you..